Some people are rocks. They're there for everyone, they're reliable and always available. Even if a rock is busy they will take some time or make some space because that is just what rocks do. But the Cardinal Rule about rocks is to never take for granted the ground you're on because that is all you have. No one wants a rock to lean back. No one wants to hear that a rock is tired, or lonely or would like to not be a rock for just a little bit. I broke that rule and leaned a bit and even let myself enjoy it, which was a mistake because now there's nothing to lean on except my own ground which isn't terribly secure at the moment. It will shore up, I just regret letting myself enjoy the lean because I know it's not going to happen again.
Anyway, classes start today and I haven't been able to sleep. So I'll try to do that. I gave up too much for this to fuck it all up now. When you're a rock there's no point in complaining that you don't want to be a rock anymore, it's just the way things are.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Mary Murdock
The textbooks for the LIS program arrived yesterday so I spent a good portion of today going through them and getting started on the reading. This makes me think of Mary. I remember when I started working on my masters project for Creative Studies she spent a good portion of the first class meeting telling us a good way to approach textbooks which is to just jump in; start at the back, skim the index, table of contents and appendixes, look at the illustrations and tables and take the time to get to know the book. I've done this every time I pick up a new book ever since, and not just textbooks either. In fact this was one reason why I was hesitant to start reading e-books but I am happy to report that you not only can do the same thing with an e-book, but it's just as much, if not more, fun than doing so with paper books.
Mary also passed to me a love of learning for its own sake and an appreciation for knowing where information comes from. As I start a new phase of my life, one in which I actually have a clear direction which is a novelty for me, I can't help but think of Mary and how she helped me lay the foundations for this to be possible. Probably the most important but of advice was when she told me it's perfectly ok to tell people no and to ask them to please not interfere, politely of course! She gave me "permission" to be myself and forge my own, unique path and I will always be so grateful for that. Sometimes we need to be told these things.
The Creative Studies degree helped me figure out who I am and gave me a community in which to BE who I am in my adult life. Mom and Mary passing away within months of each other had a pretty significant influence on me, to lose your Mother and Mentor in one swoop is pretty hard to take, although Mary did help me when Mom died by writing and reminding me that I get to grieve in my own way. I knew she was nearing the end at that point, but I had no idea that she was so close to passing herself. In a way by dying Mom and Mary taught me how to live.
My new program starts on Tuesday and I start it in the context of a whole new life. An awful lot of the artifacts of my past are now gone but that's ok; the things it occurred to me to take with me are what I need which isn't a lot. So this is a fresh start for me in a pretty major way. Some of those things I miss, but you know what, if they're supposed to be in my life they'll find a way back to me. I needed to move on in order to live again in this new world where Mary is a calm, quiet presence in my life with fabulous curls and blue nail polish telling me to go for it. To go forward especially now that there is a lot less holding me back. That I can DO THIS because I had an amazing teacher, a lot of them actually but right now Mary's the one in my head, who gave me the tools I need so that I can make my own.
Right now I'm also thinking of her advice to always have at least one editor because I do tend to ramble and use too many commas. Plus I'm a fabulous procrastinator although what I'm putting off at the moment is housework (laundry) and not homework because blogging right now is helping me process what I read earlier today. Besides, as in research topics and projects, there are no time limits on laundry as it will be there later.
So the past is done, I've taken what I needed and left the rest in a physical and emotional sense. It was not easy but anything worthwhile is. The transition time is coming to an end and it is now time to embrace the changes it brought me. I am really looking forward to starting this new program and I love the novelty of a direction! I actually have something I can build on, which is so great I can't even describe it! For the first time in a long time I don't feel lost and that is so cool. It's a hoot!
Mary also passed to me a love of learning for its own sake and an appreciation for knowing where information comes from. As I start a new phase of my life, one in which I actually have a clear direction which is a novelty for me, I can't help but think of Mary and how she helped me lay the foundations for this to be possible. Probably the most important but of advice was when she told me it's perfectly ok to tell people no and to ask them to please not interfere, politely of course! She gave me "permission" to be myself and forge my own, unique path and I will always be so grateful for that. Sometimes we need to be told these things.
The Creative Studies degree helped me figure out who I am and gave me a community in which to BE who I am in my adult life. Mom and Mary passing away within months of each other had a pretty significant influence on me, to lose your Mother and Mentor in one swoop is pretty hard to take, although Mary did help me when Mom died by writing and reminding me that I get to grieve in my own way. I knew she was nearing the end at that point, but I had no idea that she was so close to passing herself. In a way by dying Mom and Mary taught me how to live.
My new program starts on Tuesday and I start it in the context of a whole new life. An awful lot of the artifacts of my past are now gone but that's ok; the things it occurred to me to take with me are what I need which isn't a lot. So this is a fresh start for me in a pretty major way. Some of those things I miss, but you know what, if they're supposed to be in my life they'll find a way back to me. I needed to move on in order to live again in this new world where Mary is a calm, quiet presence in my life with fabulous curls and blue nail polish telling me to go for it. To go forward especially now that there is a lot less holding me back. That I can DO THIS because I had an amazing teacher, a lot of them actually but right now Mary's the one in my head, who gave me the tools I need so that I can make my own.
Right now I'm also thinking of her advice to always have at least one editor because I do tend to ramble and use too many commas. Plus I'm a fabulous procrastinator although what I'm putting off at the moment is housework (laundry) and not homework because blogging right now is helping me process what I read earlier today. Besides, as in research topics and projects, there are no time limits on laundry as it will be there later.
So the past is done, I've taken what I needed and left the rest in a physical and emotional sense. It was not easy but anything worthwhile is. The transition time is coming to an end and it is now time to embrace the changes it brought me. I am really looking forward to starting this new program and I love the novelty of a direction! I actually have something I can build on, which is so great I can't even describe it! For the first time in a long time I don't feel lost and that is so cool. It's a hoot!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Drawings
Probably the best thing about the iPad is how it has changed my approach to digital art. It's no longer collecting images into Photo Shop and making collages, rather it's the ability to draw or paint with no intervening steps. Some of these apps are even more intuitive than using charcoal on paper. Not getting dirty is a huge plus, as is the ability to draw out of doors and not having to lug 20 lbs of equipment around. Anyway, I've been drawing again and it feels wonderful. At the moment they're all on my Facebook page but eventually I'll put them up someplace more public, and maybe set some for sale. I've been looking into how to go about doing this and it's a more complex process than I realized, but I do need to start someplace so stay tuned.
For the most part I have been simply seeing what the apps can do and posting the results. But they seem to be taking off and working as pieces and have been leading to me thinking in terms of them as pieces and not doodles. At one point I had been making pieces that reflect the subject of female submission as a cultural more, particularly when it comes to the Virgin. Anyway, since that time I have run into some interesting communities in Second Life and done some reading and this and my new medium seem to be poking me to explore the subject further. It probably makes no sense now, so anyone reading this will have to wait until the drawings are completed and posted. I should have some sort of sense of what I'm doing by then. At least I hope so.
Another thing I need to stop doing is coming to these conclusions after I've taken my Ambien for the night. My work will benefit from sleep.
For the most part I have been simply seeing what the apps can do and posting the results. But they seem to be taking off and working as pieces and have been leading to me thinking in terms of them as pieces and not doodles. At one point I had been making pieces that reflect the subject of female submission as a cultural more, particularly when it comes to the Virgin. Anyway, since that time I have run into some interesting communities in Second Life and done some reading and this and my new medium seem to be poking me to explore the subject further. It probably makes no sense now, so anyone reading this will have to wait until the drawings are completed and posted. I should have some sort of sense of what I'm doing by then. At least I hope so.
Another thing I need to stop doing is coming to these conclusions after I've taken my Ambien for the night. My work will benefit from sleep.
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