This is not a good day. I'm not sick, or waiting for someone or something, I have the information I need and I know what my strengths are. But I'm here blogging and not doing what I know I can do. For some reason I am blocked in my own head and I can't seem to get out of it. It's a genuine panic attack and I can't seem to push out of it.
What's good is that I really don't think this is self-sabotage. I'm prepared. I'm qualified. Yes, I am talking about a job interview and it's for something I want to do and that I'd be good at. The money isn't great but it's something and I'd be able to stay once I'm back on campus in the spring. But I'm here. Not in the car, not waiting for the folks to arrive, but here blogging. I'm exhausted because I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly the past few days and I'm in a lot of physical pain at the moment. What triggered this attack is the uneasy feeling that I'm not up to this physically. I'd get to the interview and not be able to function properly. Not that I'd be judged negatively or anything by anyone other than myself, but I think that's the core of the issue. Or something. My prep didn't include attention to my physical reality these days and that is what did me in.
In a physical sense I still think of my self and health as it was several years ago and not what it is now. The past year took a huge toll on me and I'm not really out of it yet. Maybe it's a comfort level thing. I'm nervous about what this one barrier's removal means. Of course I could be over-thinking the whole thing which is the other side of this particular coin. There was too big a time lapse between my notification of the interview and the interview itself and time lapses are not my friend. Give me too much time to think and I just end up fretting.
Still, it's not self-sabotage. Panic attacks are real. I'm much better at controlling them than I used to be and it takes a lot for one to manifest these days. The last big one was Mom's wake and I think there's a part of me that sort of checked out after that. Which is natural of course. Letting myself feel all this is still too much. I guess the panic attack today is telling me that I need to have these feelings. How do I do that without going completely insane though? I think I need to risk that because there's not much more that my body can take. Maybe I'm not physically moving because I simply don't know how to exist in a world that doesn't have Mom in it anymore.
Today is a really bad day. I'll get through it though. At least I'm not keeping it all in this time.
