Lately I have been having dreams where I am moving forward, changing spaces and clearing out the old. I wake up feeling oddly exhilarated and eager to pursue what my subconscious is trying to tell me is at hand. In some way I suppose that's what I am doing. Change, fresh starts and all that go with them begin mentally and if in my dreams I'm eliminating clutter and moving and meeting new people and facing new circumstances then that is what I am in the process of doing. The key is to take the clues I'm giving myself and act on them.
Action being the key. I have lots of ideas. All the time. They don't stop. I analyze, review and debate habitually. Sometimes I even come up with the outline of an action plan. But I rarely refine or implement. The thing with me is to look at what I actually DO, rather than think about. Even discussion is not a good indicator for eventual implementation because to me that is an advanced method of analysis: I think this is something that could work so I want to explore resources that I don't have readily at hand. I'd say 99% of what I talk about is either discarded or tossed back on the pile for future use. My dreams indicate that I am discarding and getting ready to act. But on what?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday, October 08, 2010
Panic
This is not a good day. I'm not sick, or waiting for someone or something, I have the information I need and I know what my strengths are. But I'm here blogging and not doing what I know I can do. For some reason I am blocked in my own head and I can't seem to get out of it. It's a genuine panic attack and I can't seem to push out of it.
What's good is that I really don't think this is self-sabotage. I'm prepared. I'm qualified. Yes, I am talking about a job interview and it's for something I want to do and that I'd be good at. The money isn't great but it's something and I'd be able to stay once I'm back on campus in the spring. But I'm here. Not in the car, not waiting for the folks to arrive, but here blogging. I'm exhausted because I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly the past few days and I'm in a lot of physical pain at the moment. What triggered this attack is the uneasy feeling that I'm not up to this physically. I'd get to the interview and not be able to function properly. Not that I'd be judged negatively or anything by anyone other than myself, but I think that's the core of the issue. Or something. My prep didn't include attention to my physical reality these days and that is what did me in.
In a physical sense I still think of my self and health as it was several years ago and not what it is now. The past year took a huge toll on me and I'm not really out of it yet. Maybe it's a comfort level thing. I'm nervous about what this one barrier's removal means. Of course I could be over-thinking the whole thing which is the other side of this particular coin. There was too big a time lapse between my notification of the interview and the interview itself and time lapses are not my friend. Give me too much time to think and I just end up fretting.
Still, it's not self-sabotage. Panic attacks are real. I'm much better at controlling them than I used to be and it takes a lot for one to manifest these days. The last big one was Mom's wake and I think there's a part of me that sort of checked out after that. Which is natural of course. Letting myself feel all this is still too much. I guess the panic attack today is telling me that I need to have these feelings. How do I do that without going completely insane though? I think I need to risk that because there's not much more that my body can take. Maybe I'm not physically moving because I simply don't know how to exist in a world that doesn't have Mom in it anymore.
Today is a really bad day. I'll get through it though. At least I'm not keeping it all in this time.
What's good is that I really don't think this is self-sabotage. I'm prepared. I'm qualified. Yes, I am talking about a job interview and it's for something I want to do and that I'd be good at. The money isn't great but it's something and I'd be able to stay once I'm back on campus in the spring. But I'm here. Not in the car, not waiting for the folks to arrive, but here blogging. I'm exhausted because I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly the past few days and I'm in a lot of physical pain at the moment. What triggered this attack is the uneasy feeling that I'm not up to this physically. I'd get to the interview and not be able to function properly. Not that I'd be judged negatively or anything by anyone other than myself, but I think that's the core of the issue. Or something. My prep didn't include attention to my physical reality these days and that is what did me in.
In a physical sense I still think of my self and health as it was several years ago and not what it is now. The past year took a huge toll on me and I'm not really out of it yet. Maybe it's a comfort level thing. I'm nervous about what this one barrier's removal means. Of course I could be over-thinking the whole thing which is the other side of this particular coin. There was too big a time lapse between my notification of the interview and the interview itself and time lapses are not my friend. Give me too much time to think and I just end up fretting.
Still, it's not self-sabotage. Panic attacks are real. I'm much better at controlling them than I used to be and it takes a lot for one to manifest these days. The last big one was Mom's wake and I think there's a part of me that sort of checked out after that. Which is natural of course. Letting myself feel all this is still too much. I guess the panic attack today is telling me that I need to have these feelings. How do I do that without going completely insane though? I think I need to risk that because there's not much more that my body can take. Maybe I'm not physically moving because I simply don't know how to exist in a world that doesn't have Mom in it anymore.
Today is a really bad day. I'll get through it though. At least I'm not keeping it all in this time.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Waiting
Patience is not my strong suit. I hate waiting, and I hate not being in control. Right now I'm waiting to hear back from the dept to see if I can get in for the fall semester. The semester starts on Monday, so I'm going to have to hear something soon, but it isn't now and that is making me nuts. It gives my imagination time to consider the worst and that is never good.
I just wish I was one of those people who enjoyed cleaning and other chores when they are stressed or bored, at least my apartment would be cleaned. But I can't really settle to anything. I start a project and put it down and pick up something else. What I need is concrete information and a deadline to get started on anything, and it's no good setting one for myself because I just ignore them. It's probably not especially healthy, but there it is. I don't especially like ambiguity it is something I tolerate and try to get through because there is no other alternative. Writing seems to help because I have a place to channel my thoughts but this is going to pall in a few minutes.
What concerns me is that I'm staying too close to my comfort zone in staying with the degree right now. But that is where my interest is so what else can I do? The jobs I'm looking at are things I want, and am qualified to do but it's the unknown. Maybe my tolerance for the unknown was over-challenged this past year and I need to stick in my own direction for now. I also do not want to move out of my community just now which is what I would most likely have to do in a different professional circumstance. True, I have not explored every local channel just yet, but I have a feeling I will have to leave the area.
I think too I need to know for sure if the university option is closed to me or not. That is part of the anxiety I'm going through because it really will be new ground if I can' go back this fall. So I wait and see. The decision is with the department and I need to hear back from them. At least this is not going to be a long wait and there is a deadline since classes start on Monday. There may also be the spring options, and as I said there are local channels I can still pursue in order to stay here. If the university option is closed it will also force me to focus more clearly on other things, which may be what I need.
I still hate waiting.
I just wish I was one of those people who enjoyed cleaning and other chores when they are stressed or bored, at least my apartment would be cleaned. But I can't really settle to anything. I start a project and put it down and pick up something else. What I need is concrete information and a deadline to get started on anything, and it's no good setting one for myself because I just ignore them. It's probably not especially healthy, but there it is. I don't especially like ambiguity it is something I tolerate and try to get through because there is no other alternative. Writing seems to help because I have a place to channel my thoughts but this is going to pall in a few minutes.
What concerns me is that I'm staying too close to my comfort zone in staying with the degree right now. But that is where my interest is so what else can I do? The jobs I'm looking at are things I want, and am qualified to do but it's the unknown. Maybe my tolerance for the unknown was over-challenged this past year and I need to stick in my own direction for now. I also do not want to move out of my community just now which is what I would most likely have to do in a different professional circumstance. True, I have not explored every local channel just yet, but I have a feeling I will have to leave the area.
I think too I need to know for sure if the university option is closed to me or not. That is part of the anxiety I'm going through because it really will be new ground if I can' go back this fall. So I wait and see. The decision is with the department and I need to hear back from them. At least this is not going to be a long wait and there is a deadline since classes start on Monday. There may also be the spring options, and as I said there are local channels I can still pursue in order to stay here. If the university option is closed it will also force me to focus more clearly on other things, which may be what I need.
I still hate waiting.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Decision Time
I have made a few decisions. First of all, I do want to go back to school and get the PhD. And I want that to be in Art History. To that end, I contacted the dept at UB and the Student Affairs office to see if I can go back this fall. What I want to do is look at architecture in the emotional sense, especially in virtual environments. Of course, I do need to consider that UB may be a bad fit for me because the things that bothered me in the department a year ago are still there. Then again, at the time I had other issues going on so I'm not sure. What I do know is I loved my first semester there and I was really into the second until I had my collapse. In hindsight I think that collapse was due to a fear of moving forward and a willingness to lose myself in a virtual world, and my own head.
Of course, I do need to keep in mind that the fall semester starts in 10 days and it may be too late. Especially since I may have a hard time contacting anyone via email. I will have to call Student Affairs on Monday. With that in mind, I am gathering job postings and will get my resume and credentials together. I've been looking at Federal Jobs and there have been some good hits. So that is a good place to start. I just want to have options this time because I don't want to be in yet another desperate situation that I will need to be rescued from. If I can't go back to school this year, then maybe I can next year and under different circumstances. It's not a pipe dream, these are viable options and I need to follow up on them.
This leads me to probably the biggest "a ha!" I've had in a long time. It occurred to me that I am qualified to do things with what I already have. If I am going to get another degree it is to enhance what I already have, not to make something out of nothing. My life is now and not some future thing that I still have to earn. I'm not sure how it is that I came to feel the need to earn things like happiness and security, but I did and now that I know different I can do different. Maybe it's because I've felt that I have something to prove. That I need to justify my existence somehow. Some of it is probably to do with wanting Mom's approval, but I think I always had that. Mom had a hard time showing it sometimes and I had a hard time understanding that. It's not that I don't miss my Mother, because every day I do, but her not being here does make things easier somehow. I don't feel the need to clear things with Dad or my brothers in the way that I did with Mom. Anyway, I need to move on and make the changes I need for my life and this insight is helping me do that.
Not that it isn't scary, because it is. Today I didn't get much done, but I am writing and I did at least search for opportunities. I have a Thi Chi video on the way and there is a 10 minute workout DVD beside me. Tomorrow I want to get my haircut, and I've spent a lot less time in SL today. (Less quantity time in SL is something I need to work on if anything else is going to work.) Another next step is to reach out for help more amongst my friends and to use resources I already have to get a good resume and cover letter ready. Part of me wants to school in the fall to happen so I can put off writing my cover letters and resume. But that's just crazy.
Of course, I do need to keep in mind that the fall semester starts in 10 days and it may be too late. Especially since I may have a hard time contacting anyone via email. I will have to call Student Affairs on Monday. With that in mind, I am gathering job postings and will get my resume and credentials together. I've been looking at Federal Jobs and there have been some good hits. So that is a good place to start. I just want to have options this time because I don't want to be in yet another desperate situation that I will need to be rescued from. If I can't go back to school this year, then maybe I can next year and under different circumstances. It's not a pipe dream, these are viable options and I need to follow up on them.
This leads me to probably the biggest "a ha!" I've had in a long time. It occurred to me that I am qualified to do things with what I already have. If I am going to get another degree it is to enhance what I already have, not to make something out of nothing. My life is now and not some future thing that I still have to earn. I'm not sure how it is that I came to feel the need to earn things like happiness and security, but I did and now that I know different I can do different. Maybe it's because I've felt that I have something to prove. That I need to justify my existence somehow. Some of it is probably to do with wanting Mom's approval, but I think I always had that. Mom had a hard time showing it sometimes and I had a hard time understanding that. It's not that I don't miss my Mother, because every day I do, but her not being here does make things easier somehow. I don't feel the need to clear things with Dad or my brothers in the way that I did with Mom. Anyway, I need to move on and make the changes I need for my life and this insight is helping me do that.
Not that it isn't scary, because it is. Today I didn't get much done, but I am writing and I did at least search for opportunities. I have a Thi Chi video on the way and there is a 10 minute workout DVD beside me. Tomorrow I want to get my haircut, and I've spent a lot less time in SL today. (Less quantity time in SL is something I need to work on if anything else is going to work.) Another next step is to reach out for help more amongst my friends and to use resources I already have to get a good resume and cover letter ready. Part of me wants to school in the fall to happen so I can put off writing my cover letters and resume. But that's just crazy.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
These Are Days
Sometimes I have dreams that it is last summer, that Mom is still alive and we are getting ready for Dad to have his operation. They are so vivid that when I wake up the reality of this year crashes in on me. I don't want any of the current reality that I am coping with this year, I want to go back and have Mom here again. I want it to be the beginning of the fall semester of 2009 and I want to be moving forward.
But that is not how things are. Last summer at this time I thought I had cancer, I was broke, Dad was still waiting for surgery clearance and I was restless about the semester because I wasn't 100% sure that it was what I wanted. Not because the work was too hard or anything, but I really wanted some financial stability and that is hard to get when a grad student. For some reason I have a hard time with regular work.
This year things are a bit better financially, and I hate to say it but that is largely because of Mom. I also know it will continue for a bit because we have an Estate now. It's not much, but what it has done is buy me a little bit of time to make up my mind about what it is I want to do. I do need to go forward, I just don't know how or in what direction.
There are some things that I do know. One is that I have to start taking my own health more seriously. I've been letting myself socialize a bit more and am at least a bit more mindful of what I do in a day. The thought that I am not in good enough physical shape to have a job is kind of a cop out because it does not take all that much time to get back to the level of fitness I was in before Christmas. This morning I did some Tai Chi with a PBS show and made sure I did more than just read today. Some cleaning happened and so did the laundry. The book I am reading is "The Politics of Aesthetics" by Jacques Ranciere, trans by Gabriel Rockhill, so my mind was getting a workout as well. My social networking was in Facebook rather than exclusively in Second Life, and I actually started writing on this blog again. So there are positive, tangible steps.
It's interesting because some of my other dreams are of me longing to move, to be out in the air and meeting people and seeing new things. I'm restless. I've been having "a-ha" moments and coming to different conclusions and seeing things in new ways. Another thing I know is that I have to cut myself some slack for how my life has been this year. 2009 was a horrible year even before Mom had the stroke. My being uncomfortable at the University had been brewing for a long time, Dad had been coping with his diagnosis since 2008, my meds have taken since 2008 to get leveled off and there were four deaths before Mom. Once Dad's surgeon told me he was going to be okay, there's a part of me that checked out because I had come to the end of what I could cope with. The adrenaline was gone and all I had was my mind so that is where I stayed. There are limits to what any human mind can cope with and I found mine.
But it's about nine months since Mom died and eight since Dad's operation. We finally finished the probate process and Mom's affairs are mainly sorted. Dad is in good hands despite the new Parkinson's diagnosis and things are slowly getting back to a new normal. Everyone who has experienced a death like I did has told me that it takes about a year to get used to the new way, and that I really shouldn't worry about not having made major life decisions yet because it really is best to wait at least six months after a death to do things like that anyway. And I'm finally feeling that I can make decisions for myself because I needed Dad to be okay and in good hands before I made up my own mind. The other shoe dropped and it wasn't that bad. I'll take Parkinson's over permanent incapacitation any day of the week.
I'm starting to ramble now because I am tired and my brain is starting to rebel. I want to go and play in Second Life for a bit and then get to bed. I want to get up early to see another PBS fitness show, and I want to be alert for the afternoon because I am seeing "Inception" with Gary tomorrow. This blog isn't going anywhere.
But that is not how things are. Last summer at this time I thought I had cancer, I was broke, Dad was still waiting for surgery clearance and I was restless about the semester because I wasn't 100% sure that it was what I wanted. Not because the work was too hard or anything, but I really wanted some financial stability and that is hard to get when a grad student. For some reason I have a hard time with regular work.
This year things are a bit better financially, and I hate to say it but that is largely because of Mom. I also know it will continue for a bit because we have an Estate now. It's not much, but what it has done is buy me a little bit of time to make up my mind about what it is I want to do. I do need to go forward, I just don't know how or in what direction.
There are some things that I do know. One is that I have to start taking my own health more seriously. I've been letting myself socialize a bit more and am at least a bit more mindful of what I do in a day. The thought that I am not in good enough physical shape to have a job is kind of a cop out because it does not take all that much time to get back to the level of fitness I was in before Christmas. This morning I did some Tai Chi with a PBS show and made sure I did more than just read today. Some cleaning happened and so did the laundry. The book I am reading is "The Politics of Aesthetics" by Jacques Ranciere, trans by Gabriel Rockhill, so my mind was getting a workout as well. My social networking was in Facebook rather than exclusively in Second Life, and I actually started writing on this blog again. So there are positive, tangible steps.
It's interesting because some of my other dreams are of me longing to move, to be out in the air and meeting people and seeing new things. I'm restless. I've been having "a-ha" moments and coming to different conclusions and seeing things in new ways. Another thing I know is that I have to cut myself some slack for how my life has been this year. 2009 was a horrible year even before Mom had the stroke. My being uncomfortable at the University had been brewing for a long time, Dad had been coping with his diagnosis since 2008, my meds have taken since 2008 to get leveled off and there were four deaths before Mom. Once Dad's surgeon told me he was going to be okay, there's a part of me that checked out because I had come to the end of what I could cope with. The adrenaline was gone and all I had was my mind so that is where I stayed. There are limits to what any human mind can cope with and I found mine.
But it's about nine months since Mom died and eight since Dad's operation. We finally finished the probate process and Mom's affairs are mainly sorted. Dad is in good hands despite the new Parkinson's diagnosis and things are slowly getting back to a new normal. Everyone who has experienced a death like I did has told me that it takes about a year to get used to the new way, and that I really shouldn't worry about not having made major life decisions yet because it really is best to wait at least six months after a death to do things like that anyway. And I'm finally feeling that I can make decisions for myself because I needed Dad to be okay and in good hands before I made up my own mind. The other shoe dropped and it wasn't that bad. I'll take Parkinson's over permanent incapacitation any day of the week.
I'm starting to ramble now because I am tired and my brain is starting to rebel. I want to go and play in Second Life for a bit and then get to bed. I want to get up early to see another PBS fitness show, and I want to be alert for the afternoon because I am seeing "Inception" with Gary tomorrow. This blog isn't going anywhere.
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