Waiting

Patience is not my strong suit. I hate waiting, and I hate not being in control. Right now I'm waiting to hear back from the dept to see if I can get in for the fall semester. The semester starts on Monday, so I'm going to have to hear something soon, but it isn't now and that is making me nuts. It gives my imagination time to consider the worst and that is never good.

I just wish I was one of those people who enjoyed cleaning and other chores when they are stressed or bored, at least my apartment would be cleaned. But I can't really settle to anything. I start a project and put it down and pick up something else. What I need is concrete information and a deadline to get started on anything, and it's no good setting one for myself because I just ignore them. It's probably not especially healthy, but there it is. I don't especially like ambiguity it is something I tolerate and try to get through because there is no other alternative. Writing seems to help because I have a place to channel my thoughts but this is going to pall in a few minutes.

What concerns me is that I'm staying too close to my comfort zone in staying with the degree right now. But that is where my interest is so what else can I do? The jobs I'm looking at are things I want, and am qualified to do but it's the unknown. Maybe my tolerance for the unknown was over-challenged this past year and I need to stick in my own direction for now. I also do not want to move out of my community just now which is what I would most likely have to do in a different professional circumstance. True, I have not explored every local channel just yet, but I have a feeling I will have to leave the area.

I think too I need to know for sure if the university option is closed to me or not. That is part of the anxiety I'm going through because it really will be new ground if I can' go back this fall. So I wait and see. The decision is with the department and I need to hear back from them. At least this is not going to be a long wait and there is a deadline since classes start on Monday. There may also be the spring options, and as I said there are local channels I can still pursue in order to stay here. If the university option is closed it will also force me to focus more clearly on other things, which may be what I need.

I still hate waiting.