Decision Time

I have made a few decisions. First of all, I do want to go back to school and get the PhD. And I want that to be in Art History. To that end, I contacted the dept at UB and the Student Affairs office to see if I can go back this fall. What I want to do is look at architecture in the emotional sense, especially in virtual environments. Of course, I do need to consider that UB may be a bad fit for me because the things that bothered me in the department a year ago are still there. Then again, at the time I had other issues going on so I'm not sure. What I do know is I loved my first semester there and I was really into the second until I had my collapse. In hindsight I think that collapse was due to a fear of moving forward and a willingness to lose myself in a virtual world, and my own head.

Of course, I do need to keep in mind that the fall semester starts in 10 days and it may be too late. Especially since I may have a hard time contacting anyone via email. I will have to call Student Affairs on Monday. With that in mind, I am gathering job postings and will get my resume and credentials together. I've been looking at Federal Jobs and there have been some good hits. So that is a good place to start. I just want to have options this time because I don't want to be in yet another desperate situation that I will need to be rescued from. If I can't go back to school this year, then maybe I can next year and under different circumstances. It's not a pipe dream, these are viable options and I need to follow up on them.

This leads me to probably the biggest "a ha!" I've had in a long time. It occurred to me that I am qualified to do things with what I already have. If I am going to get another degree it is to enhance what I already have, not to make something out of nothing. My life is now and not some future thing that I still have to earn. I'm not sure how it is that I came to feel the need to earn things like happiness and security, but I did and now that I know different I can do different. Maybe it's because I've felt that I have something to prove. That I need to justify my existence somehow. Some of it is probably to do with wanting Mom's approval, but I think I always had that. Mom had a hard time showing it sometimes and I had a hard time understanding that. It's not that I don't miss my Mother, because every day I do, but her not being here does make things easier somehow. I don't feel the need to clear things with Dad or my brothers in the way that I did with Mom. Anyway, I need to move on and make the changes I need for my life and this insight is helping me do that.

Not that it isn't scary, because it is. Today I didn't get much done, but I am writing and I did at least search for opportunities. I have a Thi Chi video on the way and there is a 10 minute workout DVD beside me. Tomorrow I want to get my haircut, and I've spent a lot less time in SL today. (Less quantity time in SL is something I need to work on if anything else is going to work.) Another next step is to reach out for help more amongst my friends and to use resources I already have to get a good resume and cover letter ready. Part of me wants to school in the fall to happen so I can put off writing my cover letters and resume. But that's just crazy.