Some people are rocks. They're there for everyone, they're reliable and always available. Even if a rock is busy they will take some time or make some space because that is just what rocks do. But the Cardinal Rule about rocks is to never take for granted the ground you're on because that is all you have. No one wants a rock to lean back. No one wants to hear that a rock is tired, or lonely or would like to not be a rock for just a little bit. I broke that rule and leaned a bit and even let myself enjoy it, which was a mistake because now there's nothing to lean on except my own ground which isn't terribly secure at the moment. It will shore up, I just regret letting myself enjoy the lean because I know it's not going to happen again.
Anyway, classes start today and I haven't been able to sleep. So I'll try to do that. I gave up too much for this to fuck it all up now. When you're a rock there's no point in complaining that you don't want to be a rock anymore, it's just the way things are.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Mary Murdock
The textbooks for the LIS program arrived yesterday so I spent a good portion of today going through them and getting started on the reading. This makes me think of Mary. I remember when I started working on my masters project for Creative Studies she spent a good portion of the first class meeting telling us a good way to approach textbooks which is to just jump in; start at the back, skim the index, table of contents and appendixes, look at the illustrations and tables and take the time to get to know the book. I've done this every time I pick up a new book ever since, and not just textbooks either. In fact this was one reason why I was hesitant to start reading e-books but I am happy to report that you not only can do the same thing with an e-book, but it's just as much, if not more, fun than doing so with paper books.
Mary also passed to me a love of learning for its own sake and an appreciation for knowing where information comes from. As I start a new phase of my life, one in which I actually have a clear direction which is a novelty for me, I can't help but think of Mary and how she helped me lay the foundations for this to be possible. Probably the most important but of advice was when she told me it's perfectly ok to tell people no and to ask them to please not interfere, politely of course! She gave me "permission" to be myself and forge my own, unique path and I will always be so grateful for that. Sometimes we need to be told these things.
The Creative Studies degree helped me figure out who I am and gave me a community in which to BE who I am in my adult life. Mom and Mary passing away within months of each other had a pretty significant influence on me, to lose your Mother and Mentor in one swoop is pretty hard to take, although Mary did help me when Mom died by writing and reminding me that I get to grieve in my own way. I knew she was nearing the end at that point, but I had no idea that she was so close to passing herself. In a way by dying Mom and Mary taught me how to live.
My new program starts on Tuesday and I start it in the context of a whole new life. An awful lot of the artifacts of my past are now gone but that's ok; the things it occurred to me to take with me are what I need which isn't a lot. So this is a fresh start for me in a pretty major way. Some of those things I miss, but you know what, if they're supposed to be in my life they'll find a way back to me. I needed to move on in order to live again in this new world where Mary is a calm, quiet presence in my life with fabulous curls and blue nail polish telling me to go for it. To go forward especially now that there is a lot less holding me back. That I can DO THIS because I had an amazing teacher, a lot of them actually but right now Mary's the one in my head, who gave me the tools I need so that I can make my own.
Right now I'm also thinking of her advice to always have at least one editor because I do tend to ramble and use too many commas. Plus I'm a fabulous procrastinator although what I'm putting off at the moment is housework (laundry) and not homework because blogging right now is helping me process what I read earlier today. Besides, as in research topics and projects, there are no time limits on laundry as it will be there later.
So the past is done, I've taken what I needed and left the rest in a physical and emotional sense. It was not easy but anything worthwhile is. The transition time is coming to an end and it is now time to embrace the changes it brought me. I am really looking forward to starting this new program and I love the novelty of a direction! I actually have something I can build on, which is so great I can't even describe it! For the first time in a long time I don't feel lost and that is so cool. It's a hoot!
Mary also passed to me a love of learning for its own sake and an appreciation for knowing where information comes from. As I start a new phase of my life, one in which I actually have a clear direction which is a novelty for me, I can't help but think of Mary and how she helped me lay the foundations for this to be possible. Probably the most important but of advice was when she told me it's perfectly ok to tell people no and to ask them to please not interfere, politely of course! She gave me "permission" to be myself and forge my own, unique path and I will always be so grateful for that. Sometimes we need to be told these things.
The Creative Studies degree helped me figure out who I am and gave me a community in which to BE who I am in my adult life. Mom and Mary passing away within months of each other had a pretty significant influence on me, to lose your Mother and Mentor in one swoop is pretty hard to take, although Mary did help me when Mom died by writing and reminding me that I get to grieve in my own way. I knew she was nearing the end at that point, but I had no idea that she was so close to passing herself. In a way by dying Mom and Mary taught me how to live.
My new program starts on Tuesday and I start it in the context of a whole new life. An awful lot of the artifacts of my past are now gone but that's ok; the things it occurred to me to take with me are what I need which isn't a lot. So this is a fresh start for me in a pretty major way. Some of those things I miss, but you know what, if they're supposed to be in my life they'll find a way back to me. I needed to move on in order to live again in this new world where Mary is a calm, quiet presence in my life with fabulous curls and blue nail polish telling me to go for it. To go forward especially now that there is a lot less holding me back. That I can DO THIS because I had an amazing teacher, a lot of them actually but right now Mary's the one in my head, who gave me the tools I need so that I can make my own.
Right now I'm also thinking of her advice to always have at least one editor because I do tend to ramble and use too many commas. Plus I'm a fabulous procrastinator although what I'm putting off at the moment is housework (laundry) and not homework because blogging right now is helping me process what I read earlier today. Besides, as in research topics and projects, there are no time limits on laundry as it will be there later.
So the past is done, I've taken what I needed and left the rest in a physical and emotional sense. It was not easy but anything worthwhile is. The transition time is coming to an end and it is now time to embrace the changes it brought me. I am really looking forward to starting this new program and I love the novelty of a direction! I actually have something I can build on, which is so great I can't even describe it! For the first time in a long time I don't feel lost and that is so cool. It's a hoot!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Drawings
Probably the best thing about the iPad is how it has changed my approach to digital art. It's no longer collecting images into Photo Shop and making collages, rather it's the ability to draw or paint with no intervening steps. Some of these apps are even more intuitive than using charcoal on paper. Not getting dirty is a huge plus, as is the ability to draw out of doors and not having to lug 20 lbs of equipment around. Anyway, I've been drawing again and it feels wonderful. At the moment they're all on my Facebook page but eventually I'll put them up someplace more public, and maybe set some for sale. I've been looking into how to go about doing this and it's a more complex process than I realized, but I do need to start someplace so stay tuned.
For the most part I have been simply seeing what the apps can do and posting the results. But they seem to be taking off and working as pieces and have been leading to me thinking in terms of them as pieces and not doodles. At one point I had been making pieces that reflect the subject of female submission as a cultural more, particularly when it comes to the Virgin. Anyway, since that time I have run into some interesting communities in Second Life and done some reading and this and my new medium seem to be poking me to explore the subject further. It probably makes no sense now, so anyone reading this will have to wait until the drawings are completed and posted. I should have some sort of sense of what I'm doing by then. At least I hope so.
Another thing I need to stop doing is coming to these conclusions after I've taken my Ambien for the night. My work will benefit from sleep.
For the most part I have been simply seeing what the apps can do and posting the results. But they seem to be taking off and working as pieces and have been leading to me thinking in terms of them as pieces and not doodles. At one point I had been making pieces that reflect the subject of female submission as a cultural more, particularly when it comes to the Virgin. Anyway, since that time I have run into some interesting communities in Second Life and done some reading and this and my new medium seem to be poking me to explore the subject further. It probably makes no sense now, so anyone reading this will have to wait until the drawings are completed and posted. I should have some sort of sense of what I'm doing by then. At least I hope so.
Another thing I need to stop doing is coming to these conclusions after I've taken my Ambien for the night. My work will benefit from sleep.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Restless
Lately I have been having dreams where I am moving forward, changing spaces and clearing out the old. I wake up feeling oddly exhilarated and eager to pursue what my subconscious is trying to tell me is at hand. In some way I suppose that's what I am doing. Change, fresh starts and all that go with them begin mentally and if in my dreams I'm eliminating clutter and moving and meeting new people and facing new circumstances then that is what I am in the process of doing. The key is to take the clues I'm giving myself and act on them.
Action being the key. I have lots of ideas. All the time. They don't stop. I analyze, review and debate habitually. Sometimes I even come up with the outline of an action plan. But I rarely refine or implement. The thing with me is to look at what I actually DO, rather than think about. Even discussion is not a good indicator for eventual implementation because to me that is an advanced method of analysis: I think this is something that could work so I want to explore resources that I don't have readily at hand. I'd say 99% of what I talk about is either discarded or tossed back on the pile for future use. My dreams indicate that I am discarding and getting ready to act. But on what?
Action being the key. I have lots of ideas. All the time. They don't stop. I analyze, review and debate habitually. Sometimes I even come up with the outline of an action plan. But I rarely refine or implement. The thing with me is to look at what I actually DO, rather than think about. Even discussion is not a good indicator for eventual implementation because to me that is an advanced method of analysis: I think this is something that could work so I want to explore resources that I don't have readily at hand. I'd say 99% of what I talk about is either discarded or tossed back on the pile for future use. My dreams indicate that I am discarding and getting ready to act. But on what?
Friday, October 08, 2010
Panic
This is not a good day. I'm not sick, or waiting for someone or something, I have the information I need and I know what my strengths are. But I'm here blogging and not doing what I know I can do. For some reason I am blocked in my own head and I can't seem to get out of it. It's a genuine panic attack and I can't seem to push out of it.
What's good is that I really don't think this is self-sabotage. I'm prepared. I'm qualified. Yes, I am talking about a job interview and it's for something I want to do and that I'd be good at. The money isn't great but it's something and I'd be able to stay once I'm back on campus in the spring. But I'm here. Not in the car, not waiting for the folks to arrive, but here blogging. I'm exhausted because I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly the past few days and I'm in a lot of physical pain at the moment. What triggered this attack is the uneasy feeling that I'm not up to this physically. I'd get to the interview and not be able to function properly. Not that I'd be judged negatively or anything by anyone other than myself, but I think that's the core of the issue. Or something. My prep didn't include attention to my physical reality these days and that is what did me in.
In a physical sense I still think of my self and health as it was several years ago and not what it is now. The past year took a huge toll on me and I'm not really out of it yet. Maybe it's a comfort level thing. I'm nervous about what this one barrier's removal means. Of course I could be over-thinking the whole thing which is the other side of this particular coin. There was too big a time lapse between my notification of the interview and the interview itself and time lapses are not my friend. Give me too much time to think and I just end up fretting.
Still, it's not self-sabotage. Panic attacks are real. I'm much better at controlling them than I used to be and it takes a lot for one to manifest these days. The last big one was Mom's wake and I think there's a part of me that sort of checked out after that. Which is natural of course. Letting myself feel all this is still too much. I guess the panic attack today is telling me that I need to have these feelings. How do I do that without going completely insane though? I think I need to risk that because there's not much more that my body can take. Maybe I'm not physically moving because I simply don't know how to exist in a world that doesn't have Mom in it anymore.
Today is a really bad day. I'll get through it though. At least I'm not keeping it all in this time.
What's good is that I really don't think this is self-sabotage. I'm prepared. I'm qualified. Yes, I am talking about a job interview and it's for something I want to do and that I'd be good at. The money isn't great but it's something and I'd be able to stay once I'm back on campus in the spring. But I'm here. Not in the car, not waiting for the folks to arrive, but here blogging. I'm exhausted because I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly the past few days and I'm in a lot of physical pain at the moment. What triggered this attack is the uneasy feeling that I'm not up to this physically. I'd get to the interview and not be able to function properly. Not that I'd be judged negatively or anything by anyone other than myself, but I think that's the core of the issue. Or something. My prep didn't include attention to my physical reality these days and that is what did me in.
In a physical sense I still think of my self and health as it was several years ago and not what it is now. The past year took a huge toll on me and I'm not really out of it yet. Maybe it's a comfort level thing. I'm nervous about what this one barrier's removal means. Of course I could be over-thinking the whole thing which is the other side of this particular coin. There was too big a time lapse between my notification of the interview and the interview itself and time lapses are not my friend. Give me too much time to think and I just end up fretting.
Still, it's not self-sabotage. Panic attacks are real. I'm much better at controlling them than I used to be and it takes a lot for one to manifest these days. The last big one was Mom's wake and I think there's a part of me that sort of checked out after that. Which is natural of course. Letting myself feel all this is still too much. I guess the panic attack today is telling me that I need to have these feelings. How do I do that without going completely insane though? I think I need to risk that because there's not much more that my body can take. Maybe I'm not physically moving because I simply don't know how to exist in a world that doesn't have Mom in it anymore.
Today is a really bad day. I'll get through it though. At least I'm not keeping it all in this time.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Waiting
Patience is not my strong suit. I hate waiting, and I hate not being in control. Right now I'm waiting to hear back from the dept to see if I can get in for the fall semester. The semester starts on Monday, so I'm going to have to hear something soon, but it isn't now and that is making me nuts. It gives my imagination time to consider the worst and that is never good.
I just wish I was one of those people who enjoyed cleaning and other chores when they are stressed or bored, at least my apartment would be cleaned. But I can't really settle to anything. I start a project and put it down and pick up something else. What I need is concrete information and a deadline to get started on anything, and it's no good setting one for myself because I just ignore them. It's probably not especially healthy, but there it is. I don't especially like ambiguity it is something I tolerate and try to get through because there is no other alternative. Writing seems to help because I have a place to channel my thoughts but this is going to pall in a few minutes.
What concerns me is that I'm staying too close to my comfort zone in staying with the degree right now. But that is where my interest is so what else can I do? The jobs I'm looking at are things I want, and am qualified to do but it's the unknown. Maybe my tolerance for the unknown was over-challenged this past year and I need to stick in my own direction for now. I also do not want to move out of my community just now which is what I would most likely have to do in a different professional circumstance. True, I have not explored every local channel just yet, but I have a feeling I will have to leave the area.
I think too I need to know for sure if the university option is closed to me or not. That is part of the anxiety I'm going through because it really will be new ground if I can' go back this fall. So I wait and see. The decision is with the department and I need to hear back from them. At least this is not going to be a long wait and there is a deadline since classes start on Monday. There may also be the spring options, and as I said there are local channels I can still pursue in order to stay here. If the university option is closed it will also force me to focus more clearly on other things, which may be what I need.
I still hate waiting.
I just wish I was one of those people who enjoyed cleaning and other chores when they are stressed or bored, at least my apartment would be cleaned. But I can't really settle to anything. I start a project and put it down and pick up something else. What I need is concrete information and a deadline to get started on anything, and it's no good setting one for myself because I just ignore them. It's probably not especially healthy, but there it is. I don't especially like ambiguity it is something I tolerate and try to get through because there is no other alternative. Writing seems to help because I have a place to channel my thoughts but this is going to pall in a few minutes.
What concerns me is that I'm staying too close to my comfort zone in staying with the degree right now. But that is where my interest is so what else can I do? The jobs I'm looking at are things I want, and am qualified to do but it's the unknown. Maybe my tolerance for the unknown was over-challenged this past year and I need to stick in my own direction for now. I also do not want to move out of my community just now which is what I would most likely have to do in a different professional circumstance. True, I have not explored every local channel just yet, but I have a feeling I will have to leave the area.
I think too I need to know for sure if the university option is closed to me or not. That is part of the anxiety I'm going through because it really will be new ground if I can' go back this fall. So I wait and see. The decision is with the department and I need to hear back from them. At least this is not going to be a long wait and there is a deadline since classes start on Monday. There may also be the spring options, and as I said there are local channels I can still pursue in order to stay here. If the university option is closed it will also force me to focus more clearly on other things, which may be what I need.
I still hate waiting.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Decision Time
I have made a few decisions. First of all, I do want to go back to school and get the PhD. And I want that to be in Art History. To that end, I contacted the dept at UB and the Student Affairs office to see if I can go back this fall. What I want to do is look at architecture in the emotional sense, especially in virtual environments. Of course, I do need to consider that UB may be a bad fit for me because the things that bothered me in the department a year ago are still there. Then again, at the time I had other issues going on so I'm not sure. What I do know is I loved my first semester there and I was really into the second until I had my collapse. In hindsight I think that collapse was due to a fear of moving forward and a willingness to lose myself in a virtual world, and my own head.
Of course, I do need to keep in mind that the fall semester starts in 10 days and it may be too late. Especially since I may have a hard time contacting anyone via email. I will have to call Student Affairs on Monday. With that in mind, I am gathering job postings and will get my resume and credentials together. I've been looking at Federal Jobs and there have been some good hits. So that is a good place to start. I just want to have options this time because I don't want to be in yet another desperate situation that I will need to be rescued from. If I can't go back to school this year, then maybe I can next year and under different circumstances. It's not a pipe dream, these are viable options and I need to follow up on them.
This leads me to probably the biggest "a ha!" I've had in a long time. It occurred to me that I am qualified to do things with what I already have. If I am going to get another degree it is to enhance what I already have, not to make something out of nothing. My life is now and not some future thing that I still have to earn. I'm not sure how it is that I came to feel the need to earn things like happiness and security, but I did and now that I know different I can do different. Maybe it's because I've felt that I have something to prove. That I need to justify my existence somehow. Some of it is probably to do with wanting Mom's approval, but I think I always had that. Mom had a hard time showing it sometimes and I had a hard time understanding that. It's not that I don't miss my Mother, because every day I do, but her not being here does make things easier somehow. I don't feel the need to clear things with Dad or my brothers in the way that I did with Mom. Anyway, I need to move on and make the changes I need for my life and this insight is helping me do that.
Not that it isn't scary, because it is. Today I didn't get much done, but I am writing and I did at least search for opportunities. I have a Thi Chi video on the way and there is a 10 minute workout DVD beside me. Tomorrow I want to get my haircut, and I've spent a lot less time in SL today. (Less quantity time in SL is something I need to work on if anything else is going to work.) Another next step is to reach out for help more amongst my friends and to use resources I already have to get a good resume and cover letter ready. Part of me wants to school in the fall to happen so I can put off writing my cover letters and resume. But that's just crazy.
Of course, I do need to keep in mind that the fall semester starts in 10 days and it may be too late. Especially since I may have a hard time contacting anyone via email. I will have to call Student Affairs on Monday. With that in mind, I am gathering job postings and will get my resume and credentials together. I've been looking at Federal Jobs and there have been some good hits. So that is a good place to start. I just want to have options this time because I don't want to be in yet another desperate situation that I will need to be rescued from. If I can't go back to school this year, then maybe I can next year and under different circumstances. It's not a pipe dream, these are viable options and I need to follow up on them.
This leads me to probably the biggest "a ha!" I've had in a long time. It occurred to me that I am qualified to do things with what I already have. If I am going to get another degree it is to enhance what I already have, not to make something out of nothing. My life is now and not some future thing that I still have to earn. I'm not sure how it is that I came to feel the need to earn things like happiness and security, but I did and now that I know different I can do different. Maybe it's because I've felt that I have something to prove. That I need to justify my existence somehow. Some of it is probably to do with wanting Mom's approval, but I think I always had that. Mom had a hard time showing it sometimes and I had a hard time understanding that. It's not that I don't miss my Mother, because every day I do, but her not being here does make things easier somehow. I don't feel the need to clear things with Dad or my brothers in the way that I did with Mom. Anyway, I need to move on and make the changes I need for my life and this insight is helping me do that.
Not that it isn't scary, because it is. Today I didn't get much done, but I am writing and I did at least search for opportunities. I have a Thi Chi video on the way and there is a 10 minute workout DVD beside me. Tomorrow I want to get my haircut, and I've spent a lot less time in SL today. (Less quantity time in SL is something I need to work on if anything else is going to work.) Another next step is to reach out for help more amongst my friends and to use resources I already have to get a good resume and cover letter ready. Part of me wants to school in the fall to happen so I can put off writing my cover letters and resume. But that's just crazy.
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