Sometimes I have dreams that it is last summer, that Mom is still alive and we are getting ready for Dad to have his operation. They are so vivid that when I wake up the reality of this year crashes in on me. I don't want any of the current reality that I am coping with this year, I want to go back and have Mom here again. I want it to be the beginning of the fall semester of 2009 and I want to be moving forward.
But that is not how things are. Last summer at this time I thought I had cancer, I was broke, Dad was still waiting for surgery clearance and I was restless about the semester because I wasn't 100% sure that it was what I wanted. Not because the work was too hard or anything, but I really wanted some financial stability and that is hard to get when a grad student. For some reason I have a hard time with regular work.
This year things are a bit better financially, and I hate to say it but that is largely because of Mom. I also know it will continue for a bit because we have an Estate now. It's not much, but what it has done is buy me a little bit of time to make up my mind about what it is I want to do. I do need to go forward, I just don't know how or in what direction.
There are some things that I do know. One is that I have to start taking my own health more seriously. I've been letting myself socialize a bit more and am at least a bit more mindful of what I do in a day. The thought that I am not in good enough physical shape to have a job is kind of a cop out because it does not take all that much time to get back to the level of fitness I was in before Christmas. This morning I did some Tai Chi with a PBS show and made sure I did more than just read today. Some cleaning happened and so did the laundry. The book I am reading is "The Politics of Aesthetics" by Jacques Ranciere, trans by Gabriel Rockhill, so my mind was getting a workout as well. My social networking was in Facebook rather than exclusively in Second Life, and I actually started writing on this blog again. So there are positive, tangible steps.
It's interesting because some of my other dreams are of me longing to move, to be out in the air and meeting people and seeing new things. I'm restless. I've been having "a-ha" moments and coming to different conclusions and seeing things in new ways. Another thing I know is that I have to cut myself some slack for how my life has been this year. 2009 was a horrible year even before Mom had the stroke. My being uncomfortable at the University had been brewing for a long time, Dad had been coping with his diagnosis since 2008, my meds have taken since 2008 to get leveled off and there were four deaths before Mom. Once Dad's surgeon told me he was going to be okay, there's a part of me that checked out because I had come to the end of what I could cope with. The adrenaline was gone and all I had was my mind so that is where I stayed. There are limits to what any human mind can cope with and I found mine.
But it's about nine months since Mom died and eight since Dad's operation. We finally finished the probate process and Mom's affairs are mainly sorted. Dad is in good hands despite the new Parkinson's diagnosis and things are slowly getting back to a new normal. Everyone who has experienced a death like I did has told me that it takes about a year to get used to the new way, and that I really shouldn't worry about not having made major life decisions yet because it really is best to wait at least six months after a death to do things like that anyway. And I'm finally feeling that I can make decisions for myself because I needed Dad to be okay and in good hands before I made up my own mind. The other shoe dropped and it wasn't that bad. I'll take Parkinson's over permanent incapacitation any day of the week.
I'm starting to ramble now because I am tired and my brain is starting to rebel. I want to go and play in Second Life for a bit and then get to bed. I want to get up early to see another PBS fitness show, and I want to be alert for the afternoon because I am seeing "Inception" with Gary tomorrow. This blog isn't going anywhere.
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